


That Punk Ghouli

by markwatneyandensemble



Series: The Mulder-Should-Have-Known-Better Series [1]
Category: The X-Files
Genre: Episode: s11e05 Ghouli, F/M, Is a Pre-ep a thing?, Well this is it, like post-ep, pre-ep?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-24
Updated: 2018-08-24
Packaged: 2019-07-02 02:09:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15786780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/markwatneyandensemble/pseuds/markwatneyandensemble
Summary: This is under the headcanon that the breakup of 2016 was stupid and therefore, cancelled. Follows the canon that Jackson is a douchebag. Then ignores the canon again and follows my personal headcanon that during the day while Scully was at work, Mulder ran a blog spreading information about paranormal activity and government conspiracies.





	That Punk Ghouli

There was something therapeutic about kneading dough. Roll it out. Ball it up. Pound the living crap out of it while imagining that punk’s stupid skeleton icon. His computer was lying open on a nearby countertop with the volume on high and Mulder was waiting angrily for that little *ding* like it was the next drop of water from a leaky faucet.

Roll. Ball. Pound.

He was pretty sure no matter the rise, there’d be fist marks imprinted in Scully’s sandwiches for the next week.

He was about to deliver the fatal blow to his batch of rye when he heard the sound he’d waited his life for.

*DING*

Mulder dropped the dough like it was scalding and leapt towards his computer.

New email.

_“It looks like someone commented on your most recent post! How exciting! Click **here**  to respond to the following message:_

@ghouli says:  _man ur just a dumbass even my mom wouldn’t believe ur crap”_

Mulder took a deep breath and rolled his head back before glancing down at the picture of Scully smiling on the counter.

“Sorry,” he mumbled, pressing his fingers to his lips and then touching them to the frame. He then laced his hands together and stretched them out until he heard a crack.

He clicked ‘reply to post’ and scrolled down to the newest comment.

“Really? Because your mom was pretty vocal about believing ‘my crap’ last night. In bed. During sex. Which can be a beautiful thing if done correctly “

He paused for a second and then deleted the entire comment.  _You’re not this punk’s dad,_  he reminded himself.  _Or grandfather._ He rolled his eyes at the computer.  _Who the hell even raised this kid?_

He scrolled up to reread the thread for consistency.

October 27, 2016. Original post:  _Only one more year! 365 days from now the locked JFK archives will be released!_

And this  _delinquent_  commented:  _yo just google it dumbass. dont have to wait a year_

To which he responded:  _Actually, the files were set to be released to the public in 2017 by a Senate committee ruling made in 1992. If you’re curious, check out these links >> !!!_

Mulder thought that would be the end of it so he went to start a batch of bread. And then he heard that *ding*. And then he read that  _punk’s_ comment.

@ghouli said:  _whatever gramps that was like 25 years ago no one would no that_

@mothmanmulder said:  _24 years ago. Not 25. Exactly not 25. That was the point of the post. They specifically set the release date at 25 years. And its ‘know’._

@ghouli said:  _then why didt someone else release em before now huh_

@mothmanmulder said:  _Because they were locked- how hard is that to get?_

@ghouli said:  _Whatever dumbass_

@mothmanmulder said _: Your history teacher is clearly more a ‘dumbass’ than I am._

@ghouli said:  _man ur just a dumbass even my mom wouldn’t believe ur crap_

“|                                                                                                                    “

He drummed his fingers on the keyboard trying to think what to respond to this punk.

Even his icon was stupid. A skeleton icon. For a ‘paranormal enthusiast’.

_A skeleton. Bigfoot would be cliché, but still okay, given that he (or she)’s a paranormal creature. A skeleton. No report has ever come up of a skeleton, held together by nothing like in a cartoon, in any of his work._

Mulder was drafting an equally juvenile response to that jackass’s comment when the phone rang.

“‘Lo?” he pressed the phone between his ear and his shoulder, leaving his hands free to keep typing.

“Mulder.” All she said was his name. In that tone that always means ‘what the fuck did you just do?’

“Scully,” he began, keeping his voice steady. “That kid was baiting me.”

“Tell me you’re not drafting a ‘your mom’ response.”

“Scul-“

_“Tell me.”_

“Scully. I tried to be polite. He started it!”

“Mulder, the internet isn’t private. The next time you get a background check for a job, you roasting a stupid teenager will show up.”

He cocked his head to the side. “I thought you didn’t even read my blog.”

“The one you’ve been begging me to follow for months?”

“We both know I never thought you would.”

“Stop changing the subject. Just drop it. Post something else. At least, block the kid.”

“I can’t do that.”

“Why not?”

“Because up until now he was like my top follower.”

He heard nothing from the other end of the line. And then a long, deep sigh.

“Scully?”

“Please don’t send it. Just don’t.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He played dumb as he stared down at his finished work.

_@mothmanmulder said: your mom didnt seem to care about ‘my crap’ when she was with me last night_

Eh. Not his finest work, but it would get the point across.

“Mulder, don’t respond with a ‘your mom’ comment. Bring up some new sources about JFK. Something from the Gunmen’s boxes or something. Anything but that kid’s mother.”

“Scully, I have to.”

“No, you don’t.”

He hit the  _post_  button like it was a nuclear missile launch.

“I just did,” he said grimly.

“Mulder.”

“Hmmm?” he tilted the computer lid and returned to his dough.

“If that kid’s parents track you down-“

“I’ll get a job and pay for his therapy bills myself. You won’t be involved or have any blame.”

A long sigh from the other end of the line was punctuated with the dial tone.

He set the handset down and began rolling the dough onto a baking sheet. He was throwing it into the oven when he heard that beautiful sound emanate from his computer.

*DING*

_Oh it was on._


End file.
